Saying Goodbye to Madison

Dear Madison,

 

We know we never got to say goodbye, and that is the hardest part. One day you were there and the next you were with God. 

We will never forget the way we felt when we saw the two pink lines, we knew that we were finally going to have our sweet baby girl. We just knew from the beginning that you were very special; we just didn't know that you were so special that we wouldn't ever get to hold you. Your mission on this earth was over before it began, to give Mommy and Daddy just a little joy.

Maybe we wanted you so much that it just couldn't be? I guess your little body just wasn't strong enough to stay. 

We will never get to hold you and that makes us so sad, but we will always hold you in our hearts where you belong. 

We wanted you so badly and never thought that God needed you more. I guess we were selfish for feeling this way. We would give anything to hold you in our arms and sing to you. 

You were perfect and because of that you couldn't stay.

Our hearts are broken and there will always be a void, but time will heal. You will always be our angel and we will love you forever.

 

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

I'll Never Know
By LisaMarie Emerle

How do I say goodbye ... when I didn't get to say hello?
I want so bad to keep you ... how do I let you go?
I have so many dreams, so much love I want to share
There's nothing I can do ...why is life unfair?
You're my perfect angel...I dreamed you long ago
I never got to hold you but it breaks my heart to let you go
The pain and confusion I feel inside
I can not explain...I can not describe
God will rock you in your cradle and watch you as you sleep
I will love you in my heart ... it's all I get to keep
you are blessed my child ... you're in heaven up above
You'll never be alone...you have Mommy & Daddy's love
Hush my little baby...you need not ever cry
You were always wanted!  I wish you didn't die
You'll be my sunshine in the daylight and the brightest star at night
Reach for God's hand and go to the light
I would rather endure the pain of losing you right now
Then the thought of you suffering thru life...we'll get thru somehow
I was blessed to have you briefly...even though I have to let you go
I wish I knew the reason but I guess I'll never know

Very Sad news.

I started bleeding last night. I went to the Dr. today and was told that my baby had died. I am absolutely crushed. Baby Miller was with us for 11 weeks 6 days. I go in for a D&C tomorrow. 

Only 200 days to go!!

I have reached a milestone in my pregnancy, only 200 days to go. :)

Just as I thought the nausea was gone it came back with a vengeance and it is driving me crazy. It's not just in the morning; it's whenever it feels like creeping it's ugly head. "Morning Sickness" is an understatement. Try "All day sickness." Luckily I am almost in my 2nd trimester so that should go away soon. I'm starting to show but not to the point I have to wear maternity clothes, I'm hoping I can wear my normal clothes as long as possible. I go in for my 12-week appointment on Friday, and will get to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. I am so excited. I remember the first time I heard Caleb's little heart beating away it was the greatest moment. It really made me realize what a little miracle he and other babies are. The power to create life, what a wonderful gift we have been given. It makes me tear up when I think about the little life that we created and that in Sept. We will get to hold and love this new little life is amazing to me.  I already have so much love for this little baby. I haven't even met him or her but I feel like it is a part of me and I just want to hold that baby and love it forever and ever.

Introducing....

Baby Miller... Due Sept 16, 2009

Snow!!!

So here in Colorado you would think that we get a lot of snow. Actually this winter it has been pretty sparse. A few Flurries here and there but nothing big. I think we may have had a snow storm that dumped a whopping 3 inches. It hasn't snowed in at least a month,  so we were beginning to wonder if we would ever see snow again. Today was a beautiful day a little windy but nothing abnormal for this time of year. I went out and ran some errands and it started to get progressively colder. I came home put Caleb down for a nap and the sun was still shining. I was leaving for a church get together and noticed these little things that reminded me of snow flakes. Now remember it's been a long time since we have had a snow storm and so it really could have been anything. LOL I got to where I was going and it was still only flurries. By the time I left I had to actually use the brush for the snow. I actually had to go looking for it, totally unheard of usually it's right under my seat. The roads were slick too and the snow actually covered them. I never thought I would be so happy to see a snow storm.  

Stuff

So we have had a fun week, Caleb has had a cough, and Tim had a chest cold, and I had an I don't know what.  It was either a cold or Allergies, I'm going to go on the side of allergies because my eyes kept watering, and it got worse when it was windy out side. 

Life here has been fun with a very busy two year old that has discovered that he can throw temper tantrums. What he hasn't discovered yet is that Mommy and Daddy don't respond to them, and he will end up in time out. 

He is a little to smart for his own good and figures out things that I didn't until I was much older. He just watches Mommy do it once and he is a master at it. We also have to be very careful what we say around him because he repeats everything and I mean everything. Right now he loves two things more then anything else and that is Cars and Elmo. I personally don't know what all the hype over Elmo is, maybe someone can explain that to me? He is obsessed, if I turn off the TV during Elmo's world I get yelled at. 

With Cars I think I have seen that movie so many time that I have it memorized word for word. Luckily Wall-E came out on DVD so I can rotate now. I now know how my mom felt when we watched movies over and over, back then though if you watched a tape to many times it finally just wore out.  Caleb has all the Cars toys and won't go anywhere without his Lightning McQueen. I've decided that Cars is like the Princess's for boys. He even has a car room. 

I don't know how I ever survived without my prime time TV. It's pretty sad when your whole schedule revolves around Prime Time TV. LOL 

The one show I couldn't live without and don't know what I am going to do when it's over is Lost. Now if you haven't ever seen Lost you are really missing out. Talk about a roller Coaster ride. Just when you think you have everything figured out they throw a twist in and throw you off. I guess I love it so much because I am in to Scifi thrillers and so I can't get enough. Even after the episode is over Tim and I just talk for hours about our theories. 

Now that there are things like DVR and Hulu.com, it makes it easier to miss an episode of your favorite show and actually go have a life, because you can watch it later and not be totally lost the next week. 

Life is changing so much for us, I can't believe how mature I have become and how much I have evolved as a person. I am nowhere near the person I was 5 years ago. I can't believe next month will be the 5th anniversary of when Tim and I met. Wow!! How time flies. I think of all the different places I could be right now if I had just done one tiny thing different and honestly I wouldn't trade what I have for anything, I have a wonderful husband that I adore and the cutest little boy in the whole world that I would give my life for.(Ok I'm a little biased, but do you blame me? ) 

I have had a lot of job titles and the greatest one and most rewarding is Mommy. To have someone call you mommy and getting hugs and kisses is the most rewarding part of the job. Sure it comes with messes and tears and a lot of frustration, but it's all worth it to hear them tell you that they love you, and to hear them laugh. 

I can't wait to have more children. 

We got our tax return today and we are planning on buying a digital camera and paying off some bills. We are planning on getting a Sony Cybershot. I am so excited, the digital camera we have right now is on it's last leg and you can take about two-three pictures before the battery dies. It is also way to complicated to figure out, by the time you figure it out you have missed the perfect shot. 

I will post pictures that we take with the new camera. :)

What a Week!

This week has been long...It started with the much anticipated win by the Pittsburg Steelers of Super Bowl XLIII.  I was on the edge of my seat the whole entire game...especially when I thought they were going to blow the game.  You have to hand it to Rothlisberger for the awsome comeback drive, one of the best I've ever seen.

Besides that moment, this week has been nothing but routine and hard work.  Not exactly the most exciting thing to blog about, but nonetheless I think everyone can relate.  Don't get me wrong, despite the difficult work I do on a daily basis, I like what I do.  It is hard to imagine that I would end up doing what I do for a career.  It isn't as though I woke up one day and said gee I want to work for Social Security.  It's actually an interesting story of how I ended up there.  It started at the DU job fair, after browsing several different booths, I ended at the Social Security booth.  I talked to one of the recruiters and filled out a form.  I left that job fair feeling despondent and utterly disappointed.  Several job interviews later I received a call out of the blue for the Social Security job.  At that point it felt as though I had run out of any immediate options so I went in for the interview...and the rest is history!

I'm vying for a promotion this year and am pretty confident I'll get it, it's just that it isn't coming soon enough.  Money is such a hard thing to come by these days and it feels like I pay everyone except for our family.  Having a little more would definitely cushion the month to month expenses.  So here's to 2009 and the promotion to Claims Representative.  If I get that I will be having a good year indeed.

Anyway I thought I'd get my feet wet with this whole blog thing.  Hopefully I'll update this thing once a week.